Oh Mr Miliband!

(to the tune of the old music hall standard “Oh, Mr Porter”)


Oh Mr Miliband, what am I to do?
I wanted Grosmann’s pasta sauce, but they only have Ragu
It’s a middle-class crisis, that we’re all going through
Oh Mr Miliband what would your David do?


Oh Mr Miliband, won’t you tell me please?
When will you show us how to fix the country on its knees?
Instead of banging on about machines in bookies shops
Oh Mr Miliband I could slap you round the chops


Oh Mr Miliband, Campbell says that you won’t win
He says you’ll need a deal with Clegg or you’ll be in the bin
Maybe it’s time for you to try and step it up a bit
Cos if you can’t see off Cameron then you really must be sh…


Oh Mr Miliband, you’re losing core support
You’re happy to throw it all away without a second thought
Focus on the many, instead of the wealthy few
Remember Mr Miliband… we’re not all middle class like you.

Science: The Cure for Racism

Racism.

Probably the most pointless and ridiculous of all the bigotries, given it is based on nothing more than the passing of genetic material from parents to their children.

Unlike homophobes, racists can't even fall back onto some sort of sacred religious text to justify why they need to hate a particular section of society.

Much has been said, and no doubt will continue to be, about how to combat racism through sociological measures. More integration, a better of understanding of other cultures, that kind of thing.

Bear with me, here comes the science part. The number of atoms in the observable universe is estimated to be at least 10⁷⁸

For those unfamiliar with scientific notation of large numbers, that's 10 multiplied by itself 78 times. It's a very, very big number.

These atoms have been around for billions of years. since the beginning of the universe. They've been bonding into molecules that make up everything that is in us, around us and is us. Those molecules break apart as things decay or are destroyed, and their component atoms go off looking for another dance partner to bond with and make some more molecules.

You are comprised entirely of atoms, formed into different molecules and compounds. The number of atoms in the average human body is estimated to be 10^27.

In other words. another very, very big number.

The atoms that make up you, haven't always made up people. You've got a lot of carbon and hydrogen atoms in you, for example. These crop up in things like sugar cane and oil. You've also got a need for calcium, which you'll find in things as different as chalk and cheese.

So there is a very, very small chance that the atoms that make up you are ones that have always been in other people. You are statistically certain to contain some atoms that were once a tree, or a hippopotamus, or a block of Edam.

Who knows where those atoms have been? Even the ones that might have been other people at some point in time come with no guarantee of being from people of the same race as you.

Now how silly do your claims of racial or ethnic purity look? How different are you to the Asian fella down the street, or the white bloke you see shouting anti-fascist slogans at you from behind a police line? You're both made of atoms. Who knows, at some point some of your atoms might have been bound with theirs in the same molecule.

You want to combat racism? Teach kids where they come from and what they are made of. Let them see just how stupid it is to consider someone with a different skin colour or a different ethnic origin to be worth less than they are.

On an atomic level at least, we're all the same and we're all different.

Commercial Break

“Is your party sinking without trace? Are you out of your depth? Why not get things back afloat with the new UKIP Karaoke Classics. Contains all your favourite tunes, like…”

Don’t blame it on the rainfall

Don’t blame it on the flood plain

Don’t blame it on the cutbacks

Blame it on the gayers!

“Or this party anthem…”

Men Marrying Men

Why we’re flooded, men marrying men

To God it’s an offence

White, white, white or white

Same sex marriage just ain’t right!

“So to get your party on the right track, make sure you pick up UKIP Karaoke Classics!”

We’re drowning in the rain

We’re drowning in the rain

Now the gays are marrying we’re

Drowning again!

“UKIP Karaoke Classics isn’t available in any shops. It’s only available from polling stations for the low, low price of your dignity. Get yours now, before they disappear!”

KILLER STORM SWAMPS BRITAIN

As Britain cowers under the attack of a deadly storm, the Daily Mail can reveal how it has:

• KILLED this weekend's sandcastle contest at Fowey
• WASHED UP some old pallets that fell overboard from a trawler
• SMASHED the record for media hyperbole set by the last storm

While the mainstream political parties bury their heads in all the sand left in our streets by the killer storm from Hell, we have been speaking to the UKIP MEP for Cornwall, Charles Foaming-Gripe. He told us:

"There is no doubt where the blame for these terrible events lies. It cannot be just a coincidence that no sooner do 7 million Bulgarians and Romanians arrive in Britain, than the country begins to sink into the sea. It's simple physics. There are too many of them here growing fat off our benefits system and taking the decent, hard-working, honest, decent, hard-working British people down with them."

One resident of Looe, too afraid to be named in case of reprisals by left-wing immigrant sympathisers told us:

"It's terrible. All the local shops have been closed. People are having to move out of their houses here and back into their London flats. It was never like this before the immigrants. The sea always knew where it belonged. Now everything just seems to think it can come to this country and take whatever it wants.

We've built a wicker man and found a townie to sacrifice in order to appease the Gods, but everything is so wet we can't get a fire started."

RELATED TO THIS ARTICLE:

How the right pair of galoshes can transform your teenage daughter into a wet little sex kitten

Seasonal Satire

Just a little trio of tunes, loosely based on recent events and with a festive flavour. Enjoy!

As the spectre of corruption looms over football, players across the country are working on their karaoke for the team Christmas party…

(To the tune of “Merry Christmas – War Is Over”)

So this is Christmas

And what have we done?

Smashed in an own goal

Got sent off for a bung

So this is Christmas

And win lose or draw

We’re hoping that next year

We get bunged some more

That bloke with the briefcase

I’m sure he’s alright

But we’re just footballers

And not very bright

And so this is Christmas

What do we have planned?

Picking up a booking

For seventy grand

So if your team is losing

Then you know the score

Maybe next season

You’ll pay us some more

We’ll handball it, miss penalties

We’ll score own goals, when you want it

Taking bribes and falling over

You can’t trust us any more

So this is football, such an epic fail

Instead of Old Trafford, we’ll be going to jail



If you think things are bad now, just wait and see who they have lined up to replace Santa...

He doesn’t care if you pout

He doesn’t care if you cry

You better watch out

I’m telling you why

IDS is coming to town

He doesn’t care about truth

Or being out of touch

He doesn’t care what you get

He just knows it’s too much

IDS is coming to town

Whether you’re poor or disabled

He doesn’t really care

He sees into your bedrooms

And he knows which ones are spare

He’ll come up with a ruse

He’ll come up with a trap

So you don’t get ahead

Just a benefit cap

IDS is coming to town

You better not claim

You better not try

Just be a good slacker

Hurry up and die

IDS is coming to town…

Last, and by all means least, as her career hits hard times Nigella Lawson is booked as Eartha Kitt on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes...

Santa baby, slip a kilo under the tree, for me

My head’s been in a whirl. 

Santa baby, won’t you be my dealer tonight

Santa baby, just a few ounces of dope, I hope

Got some brownies ready to go

Santa baby, get me off my boobies on blow

                       

Think of all the hands I’ve had around my throat

Think of all the times I’ve slept with that old goat

The chance of getting out my tree

Is all that’s keeping me afloat

Santa cutie, just a little LSD you see

If I endorse it will it be free?

Santa baby, want to see the dancing hippos tonight

Santa honey, give my finances a hand

I’ve lost 600 grand

Santa baby, get me another book deal, alright?

Santa baby, hurry down my chimney tonight…

Rendered Speechless

Yesterday, retired judge Sir Peter Gibson reported on his review of 20,000 top secret documents following allegations of wrongdoing against MI5 and MI6 officers. Gibson found evidence that the UK had been "inappropriately involved" in some renditions, and that a further investigation was needed into investigations of complicity.

Let me just spell that out for you. The UK has been involved in the illegal transfer of persons to another country for the purposes of torture.

Documents found in the Libyan foreign ministry after the civil war in 2011 show that both the CIA and MI6 rendered suspects to the Libyan authorities in the full knowledge they would be tortured. Yes, you heard right. Two western democracies were flying people in to what they for years had considered a rogue, terrorist state so they could circumvent their own justice system. On some occasions, these were their own citizens.

So why isn't there widespread outrage in the UK about this? Simple. We've been led to believe that it is somehow vital for our "national security" that we allow the security forces to operate outside the rule of law. That they be allowed to employ torture - widely regarded as ineffective in obtaining accurate, useful information - to "protect" us.

Not that these actions did much to protect Shaker Aamer. A Saudi citizen and a British resident, Aamer was picked up by the CIA in Afghanistan in November 2001 and rendered to Guantanamo Bay three months later. He has been held there since without charge.  Aamer has never been charged with any offence, never received a trial and has been cleared for release by both the Bush and Obama administrations.

Aamer was rendered to Guantanamo Bay on the basis of information provided by the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan, who turned him over to the US forces in exchange for a cash bounty. The evidence for detaining him in Guantanamo came from a detainee dismissed as "entirely unreliable"  and who is known to have been tortured in order to obtain information.

There is no other reason for him to still be in Guantanamo, other than the fact that if he is released he will be in position to reveal the methods used by the CIA, MI5 and MI6 supposedly for our protection, and they don't want to lose what little public support they have left.

The Gibson report came out on the same day as the verdict was delivered on the two men who murdered soldier Lee Rigby in Woolwich. Coincidence? Maybe. 

What better way to reinforce the idea that we need to export people with no connection to terrorism to foreign states where they can be tortured, than to remind us of the threat of terrorism on our own doorstep?

The rendition and Rigby stories have at least provoked some debate on what drives Islamic terrorism. Sadly the fact that the key driver is Western foreign policy, in particular the way the US and UK dealt with Afghanistan and Iraq under the guise of "tackling terrorism", is the elephant in the room. Anyone positing that as a cause of Islamic terrorism is dismissed as a radical to be hectored and ridiculed on news shows.

If we want to prevent Islamic terrorism either on our streets or against British targets in the Middle East, how about we start repairing some of the damage we've done? Be a much more worthwhile investment than the social and moral cost of sending innocent people into torture.

Sunday is Funday

Guests at the upcoming Charles Manson wedding have been advised to politely decline if the groom suggests a toast.

Two people have denied keeping three women as slaves in their home for thirty years, claiming they were actually unpaid interns.

China has made the first successful test flight of a stealth drone. According to eyewitnesses….

After the publicity success of Movember, the government are hoping that rising fuel prices will do the same for the elderly during “Decimatember”

I don’t understand the concept behind Beaujolais Nouveau. It’s like paying double to go into Nandos and eat raw chicken.

James Arthur is following the well-worn path of celebrity self-destruction. Fame, Twitter spat, abusive text messages. Expect to see him on next year’s Children in Need in a PVC catsuit, twerking at Gloria Hunniford.

The John Lewis ad. The heartwarming story of a bear discovering the real meaning of Christmas, and his woodland friends discovering the real meaning of “omnivorous”

If you are thinking of moving banks from the Co-Op because someone who works there did drugs, you’re going to be snort of options

.

Shoplifters in Hull have taken to stealing probiotic drinks. They’re real culture vultures.

Gordon Brown only agreed to the Commonwealth summit being in Sri Lanka this year so Glasgow would look better next year.

341 people have been arrested for child porn offences in Toronto. All have said that they only accessed the material while in a drunken stupor.

Nick Clegg has said that Roma immigrants need to be sensitive to British traditions. Like the press labelling them baby-stealing, benefit-scrounging health tourists.

The woman who stalked Alec Baldwin has been jailed for contempt of court. The woman who stalked Billy Baldwin has been jailed for contempt of her self-esteem

UK schools are being put on flu watch. The things the BBC will do to keep Chris Packham busy.

Dear work. Sorry, but I can’t come in tomorrow. I appear to have padlocked myself in a holdall, like you do.

Welcome to Amazon assist, how can we help? Ah, hello. I’m calling because I need to delete ten year’s worth of speeches from the internet.

And finally, a few thoughts on our esteemed leader's trip to Sri Lanka...

David Cameron promises to send a strong message to Sri Lanka, after the chocolate on his pillow had melted by the time he got back to his hotel room.

David Cameron has acknowledged that his trip into Tamil territory will be difficult. The hotel he’s staying in doesn’t even have a whirlpool bath.

David Cameron has said that his talks in Sri Lanka will be “robust”, and that he did not and would never remove the Toblerone from the minibar.

Ideology Over Ideas

Let's face it, whether we consider ourselves to be a political animal or not, we all have an ideology we follow. A way of doing things that we believe to be "the right way".

In my case, I'm a socialist and a liberal (note the small "l").

I happen to believe that a good society is one that looks after those who are unable to look after themselves, and which gives its citizens the right to go about their business equally irrespective of gender, sexuality, race or religion.

Where it needs to be, my ideology is flexible enough that I can still object to things that I consider to be bad ideas - irrespective of what colour political coat they happen to be dressed in.

For some people though, the pull of their ideology is just so strong that it blinkers them to seeing what absolute crackpot nonsense their ideas are. One such case has reared its head from the government this week.

The Department for Education (DfE) has seen one of its internal reports leaked to the press. The report was commissioned to look at where a further £260m of savings could be made by the Department from its budget.

One of the suggestions related to the forced conversion of schools to Academy status. Academies are the pet project of the Education Secretary Michael Gove. Schools which are deemed to be "failing" will have their governors removed and forced to convert to Academy status, irrespective of the wishes of parents, pupils or staff and even where they are already showing signs of improvement.

Often the Academy will be run in association with a private sector "sponsor". It is funded directly by central government and therefore taken out of local authority control,.

Forcing a school to convert to an Academy is a resource intensive process. It takes a lot of time and money out of the DfE budget,, for what in some cases can be very little in terms of positive outcomes. So the report suggested that value for money be taken into account when deciding whether to force a conversion to Academy status. A pretty reasonable suggestion, given the way the Tories bang on about keeping public spending under control you would think.

It was immediately ruled out by Michael Gove as "totally wrong". Leaving the potential grammatical inaccuracies in that statement aside, how can something which takes account of value for money and the potential benefits to a school be "wrong"?

Simple. Getting schools out of local authority control and increasing private sector involvement in education is Gove's ideology. It's an ideology which he will not be swayed from, even when civil servants in his own department come up with ideas that will save money from his budget. It's the same reason the DfE sat on reports of £80,000 of financial "irregularities" at a flagship Academy in Bradford for months. Nothing must be said or done which makes the ideology look bad.

This isn't an isolated example either. Take the sell-off of £12bn worth of the NHS, for no other reason than the ideology that private sector = good, public sector = bad. Or the re-privatisation of the East Coast Main Line rail franchise, which has returned a surplus to the taxpayer since it has been back in public hands but must now be franchised, because apparently only the private sector knows how to properly run a railway.

Two separate studies from University College London this week have shown that immigrants make a significant net contribution to the Treasury. They are more likely to pay more in than they take out when compared to those of a similar age and gender born in the UK. The studies consider that the government's targets to reduce net migration substantially are neither a "useful tool nor measure of policy effectiveness".

The government's response? To continue to insist that the country is overrun with "benefit tourists" who are a drain on society, despite all the evidence that flies in the face of that statement.

I actually feel a little sorry for David Cameron. He seems like a reasonably decent sort of bloke trying to do his best, but he's painted into a corner by the frothing lunatics that form the basis of his core support. A cadre that was brought up in a post-war, mainly white Britain with a rigid class system where the poor made things that the rich could sell and keep all the money from.

Any attempt to modernise or move away from their ideology will see them desert the Tories for the even loonier fringes of UKIP, which is itself splitting at the seams.

So for now, expect to see more ideology over ideas. The good news is that in 18 months, we can all do something about it and start putting some common sense back into Britain. Don't waste your chance.

Mambo Number 13

The 2013 rugby league World Cup starts next weekend. In its honour, I've re-worked the lyrics to Lou Bega's "Mambo Number 5" for your delectation.

The original is here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unlc89KvLt4) for those of you who can't remember it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you "Mambo Number 13..."

"One, two, three, four, five

Everybody in your cars, come on let's drive

To stadiums across the country

For the biggest stars of rugby league

You'll ever see

Show their skills, every week

Cause in this game, well talk is cheap

There's Australia, England, Wales and New Zealand

And so it continues with Scotland, France and Ireland

So who is going to lift to the trophy at Old Trafford?

We all hope it's going to be England

It's rugby league, it's our favourite game

With all these stars, remember their names

A little bit of Charnley on the right

A little bit of Ryan Hall in full flight

A little bit of Tomkins out the back

A bit of Sinfield keeping it on track

A little bit of Roby around the ruck

The bounce of the ball and a little luck

A ground full of fans making some noise

Let's all get behind the England boys.

Mambo Number 13!"

Ed Milliband - The Musical

Scene: The podium at the Labour party conference. Ed Milliband stands before a hushed audience, waiting to deliver his speech. He tentatively clears his throat…

“Conference. Fellow Labour members. Much has been said and written about my family and I over the last twelve months, not all of it flattering. Comparisons have been drawn to many people, including Mr Bean and both Wallace and Gromit. Yet both I and the party have emerged stronger from these difficult times, and let me tell you why. It’s because..”

(To the tune of “I Am What I Am”)

“I’m Ed Milliband.

I don’t need notes, I don’t need prompters

I write my own speech, even though some

Might think that’s bonkers.

I’m like a warrior that’s on a mission

I’m out to give a kicking to the Coalition

I don’t give a damn, just let me shout out

I’m Ed Milliband.

I’m Ed Milliband

I’m not our Dave, no I’m not Tony

I’m still my own man

Trade unions, don’t try to own me.

UKIP are such a joke they've got me in stitches

Ladies, I don't care what's gathering behind your fridges

From Cornwall to Shetland, stand up and say

Vote Ed Milliband

I’m Ed Milliband

Whatever you say I’ll rise above it

Clarkson, bring it on

Stand against me, I’ll bloody love it

Socialists, time to get out of the closet

Let’s laugh when Nick Clegg loses his deposit

This government’s a sham, it’s time for change

I’m Ed Millibaaaaaaaaand.”

Rapturous applause, bouquets being thrown on from the side of the stage.

Short silence

Working class voice: “Blimey, that Michael Ball’s lost some weight hasn’t he?”

End