Monday, December 23, 2013

Seasonal Satire

Just a little trio of tunes, loosely based on recent events and with a festive flavour. Enjoy!

As the spectre of corruption looms over football, players across the country are working on their karaoke for the team Christmas party…
(To the tune of “Merry Christmas – War Is Over”)
So this is Christmas
And what have we done?
Smashed in an own goal
Got sent off for a bung
So this is Christmas
And win lose or draw
We’re hoping that next year
We get bunged some more

That bloke with the briefcase
I’m sure he’s alright
But we’re just footballers
And not very bright

And so this is Christmas
What do we have planned?
Picking up a booking
For seventy grand
So if your team is losing
Then you know the score
Maybe next season
You’ll pay us some more

We’ll handball it, miss penalties
We’ll score own goals, when you want it
Taking bribes and falling over
You can’t trust us any more

So this is football, such an epic fail
Instead of Old Trafford, we’ll be going to jail

If you think things are bad now, just wait and see who they have lined up to replace Santa...

He doesn’t care if you pout
He doesn’t care if you cry
You better watch out
I’m telling you why
IDS is coming to town

He doesn’t care about truth
Or being out of touch
He doesn’t care what you get
He just knows it’s too much
IDS is coming to town

Whether you’re poor or disabled
He doesn’t really care
He sees into your bedrooms
And he knows which ones are spare

He’ll come up with a ruse
He’ll come up with a trap
So you don’t get ahead
Just a benefit cap
IDS is coming to town

You better not claim
You better not try
Just be a good slacker
Hurry up and die
IDS is coming to town…

Last, and by all means least, as her career hits hard times Nigella Lawson is booked as Eartha Kitt on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes...

Santa baby, slip a kilo under the tree, for me
My head’s been in a whirl. 
Santa baby, won’t you be my dealer tonight

Santa baby, just a few ounces of dope, I hope
Got some brownies ready to go
Santa baby, get me off my boobies on blow
Think of all the hands I’ve had around my throat
Think of all the times I’ve slept with that old goat
The chance of getting out my tree
Is all that’s keeping me afloat

Santa cutie, just a little LSD you see
If I endorse it will it be free?
Santa baby, want to see the dancing hippos tonight

Santa honey, give my finances a hand
I’ve lost 600 grand
Santa baby, get me another book deal, alright?
Santa baby, hurry down my chimney tonight…

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