Ed Milliband - The Musical

Scene: The podium at the Labour party conference. Ed Milliband stands before a hushed audience, waiting to deliver his speech. He tentatively clears his throat…

“Conference. Fellow Labour members. Much has been said and written about my family and I over the last twelve months, not all of it flattering. Comparisons have been drawn to many people, including Mr Bean and both Wallace and Gromit. Yet both I and the party have emerged stronger from these difficult times, and let me tell you why. It’s because..”

(To the tune of “I Am What I Am”)

“I’m Ed Milliband.

I don’t need notes, I don’t need prompters

I write my own speech, even though some

Might think that’s bonkers.

I’m like a warrior that’s on a mission

I’m out to give a kicking to the Coalition

I don’t give a damn, just let me shout out

I’m Ed Milliband.

I’m Ed Milliband

I’m not our Dave, no I’m not Tony

I’m still my own man

Trade unions, don’t try to own me.

UKIP are such a joke they've got me in stitches

Ladies, I don't care what's gathering behind your fridges

From Cornwall to Shetland, stand up and say

Vote Ed Milliband

I’m Ed Milliband

Whatever you say I’ll rise above it

Clarkson, bring it on

Stand against me, I’ll bloody love it

Socialists, time to get out of the closet

Let’s laugh when Nick Clegg loses his deposit

This government’s a sham, it’s time for change

I’m Ed Millibaaaaaaaaand.”

Rapturous applause, bouquets being thrown on from the side of the stage.

Short silence

Working class voice: “Blimey, that Michael Ball’s lost some weight hasn’t he?”

End