Sunday, November 24, 2013

Sunday is Funday

Guests at the upcoming Charles Manson wedding have been advised to politely decline if the groom suggests a toast.

Two people have denied keeping three women as slaves in their home for thirty years, claiming they were actually unpaid interns.

China has made the first successful test flight of a stealth drone. According to eyewitnesses….

After the publicity success of Movember, the government are hoping that rising fuel prices will do the same for the elderly during “Decimatember”

I don’t understand the concept behind Beaujolais Nouveau. It’s like paying double to go into Nandos and eat raw chicken.

James Arthur is following the well-worn path of celebrity self-destruction. Fame, Twitter spat, abusive text messages. Expect to see him on next year’s Children in Need in a PVC catsuit, twerking at Gloria Hunniford.

The John Lewis ad. The heartwarming story of a bear discovering the real meaning of Christmas, and his woodland friends discovering the real meaning of “omnivorous”

If you are thinking of moving banks from the Co-Op because someone who works there did drugs, you’re going to be snort of options

Shoplifters in Hull have taken to stealing probiotic drinks. They’re real culture vultures.

Gordon Brown only agreed to the Commonwealth summit being in Sri Lanka this year so Glasgow would look better next year.

341 people have been arrested for child porn offences in Toronto. All have said that they only accessed the material while in a drunken stupor.

Nick Clegg has said that Roma immigrants need to be sensitive to British traditions. Like the press labelling them baby-stealing, benefit-scrounging health tourists.

The woman who stalked Alec Baldwin has been jailed for contempt of court. The woman who stalked Billy Baldwin has been jailed for contempt of her self-esteem

UK schools are being put on flu watch. The things the BBC will do to keep Chris Packham busy.

Dear work. Sorry, but I can’t come in tomorrow. I appear to have padlocked myself in a holdall, like you do.

Welcome to Amazon assist, how can we help? Ah, hello. I’m calling because I need to delete ten year’s worth of speeches from the internet.

And finally, a few thoughts on our esteemed leader's trip to Sri Lanka...

David Cameron promises to send a strong message to Sri Lanka, after the chocolate on his pillow had melted by the time he got back to his hotel room.

David Cameron has acknowledged that his trip into Tamil territory will be difficult. The hotel he’s staying in doesn’t even have a whirlpool bath.

David Cameron has said that his talks in Sri Lanka will be “robust”, and that he did not and would never remove the Toblerone from the minibar.

No comments: