Friday, October 18, 2013

Mambo Number 13

The 2013 rugby league World Cup starts next weekend. In its honour, I've re-worked the lyrics to Lou Bega's "Mambo Number 5" for your delectation.

The original is here ( for those of you who can't remember it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you "Mambo Number 13..."

"One, two, three, four, five
Everybody in your cars, come on let's drive
To stadiums across the country
For the biggest stars of rugby league
You'll ever see
Show their skills, every week
Cause in this game, well talk is cheap
There's Australia, England, Wales and New Zealand
And so it continues with Scotland, France and Ireland
So who is going to lift to the trophy at Old Trafford?
We all hope it's going to be England
It's rugby league, it's our favourite game
With all these stars, remember their names

A little bit of Charnley on the right
A little bit of Ryan Hall in full flight
A little bit of Tomkins out the back
A bit of Sinfield keeping it on track
A little bit of Roby around the ruck
The bounce of the ball and a little luck
A ground full of fans making some noise
Let's all get behind the England boys.

Mambo Number 13!"

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Ed Milliband - The Musical

Scene: The podium at the Labour party conference. Ed Milliband stands before a hushed audience, waiting to deliver his speech. He tentatively clears his throat…

“Conference. Fellow Labour members. Much has been said and written about my family and I over the last twelve months, not all of it flattering. Comparisons have been drawn to many people, including Mr Bean and both Wallace and Gromit. Yet both I and the party have emerged stronger from these difficult times, and let me tell you why. It’s because..”

(To the tune of “I Am What I Am”)

“I’m Ed Milliband.
I don’t need notes, I don’t need prompters
I write my own speech, even though some
Might think that’s bonkers.
I’m like a warrior that’s on a mission
I’m out to give a kicking to the Coalition
I don’t give a damn, just let me shout out
I’m Ed Milliband.

I’m Ed Milliband
I’m not our Dave, no I’m not Tony
I’m still my own man
Trade unions, don’t try to own me.
UKIP are such a joke they've got me in stitches
Ladies, I don't care what's gathering behind your fridges
From Cornwall to Shetland, stand up and say
Vote Ed Milliband

I’m Ed Milliband
Whatever you say I’ll rise above it
Clarkson, bring it on
Stand against me, I’ll bloody love it
Socialists, time to get out of the closet
Let’s laugh when Nick Clegg loses his deposit
This government’s a sham, it’s time for change
I’m Ed Millibaaaaaaaaand.”

Rapturous applause, bouquets being thrown on from the side of the stage.

Short silence

Working class voice: “Blimey, that Michael Ball’s lost some weight hasn’t he?”