"I'd been listening to my Fifty Shades of Grey audio book, when the phone interrupted proceedings. No sooner had I pulled my Spanx up than it stopped, but by then the moment had very much passed.
So I thought, nice cup of tea with a biscuit. That'll take the edge off. Except all I had in the cupboard were wafers, and they're no good for dunking. Lack the structural rigidity of your traditional biscuit, and the crumbs get everywhere.
I was going to have a stroll to the shops, get myself some nice Rich Tea or a Bourbon. You can get your big shop on the internet these days, you know. Mind, I got myself a bunch of bananas last week and they were already on the turn by the time they got here. Brown as him next door's corduroy trousers.
Bananas were still a new thing when I was young. Sometimes we couldn't even get them, so we painted cucumbers yellow and pretended.
That all seems so long ago. Take him over the road, not been the same since his wife passed away. Just sits and stares out of the front room window, waiting for death like an impatient Ocado shopper who forgot to press check out.
Course it's all social this and network that now. No matter how far away people are, you can always Skip them. Mind you, I'm not the most technical of folk. I'm more pewter paddler than silver surfer.
Marjorie is on Facebook, thanks to one of those Digital Eagles. I've got a budgie that tweets, but I'm pretty sure it's not the same thing. She told me someone poked her the other day. I said she should tell the police, but she seemed to like it. Back to Fifty Shades again, aren't we?"