Saturday, September 28, 2013

Weekend Whimsy

Just for fun, a few bits you might find amusing. Go on, unleash your inner giggle...

Ryanair have vowed to remove everything from their service that unnecessarily annoys their passengers. So that’ll be their website, staff, Chief Executive...

UKIP – doing for the immigration debate what sailors on shore leave do for city centres

The Godfrey Bloom scandal has overshadowed the important policy decisions made at the UKIP conference – immigration, public spending and the unicorn cull.

Not keen on this new game where you have to kidnap the first Chancellor of a united Germany – Grand Theft Otto V B.

Durham police have left red boxes around the town for people to deposit their drugs in as part of an amnesty. That’s going to be a really good game of Deal or No Deal when they get those back to the station. “Box 12 please Sarge.” “It’s a blue Chief, a blister pack of Viagra.”

Ed Milliband has promised this week to keep public spending under control, disassociate his party from the Unions and keep a cap on immigration. Did he wander into the wrong conference by mistake or something?

Bradley Wiggins got a knighthood for winning the Tour de France. For winning the Tour of Britain he gets a Tufty club badge and a year’s free hire of Boris bikes.

In this series of Downton Abbey, the part of Lady Grantham will be played by a replacement bus service between Lady Peterborough and Lady Newark Northgate.

So the Edinburgh Zoo panda may not be pregnant after all. Hard to tell with pandas though. Nothing’s ever black or white.

The developers of the new Grand Theft Auto game have responded to criticism that their games are too violent by making some changes. Players must now raise funds for Comic Relief to set up a rehab centre for former prostitutes.

Security is being reviewed at Buckingham Palace after guards challenged a loudmouthed, unemployed ex-serviceman found strolling through the grounds like his family owned the place.

George Osborne is right, the economy has turned a corner. Straight into a branch of Cash Converters.

Have you seen the designs for the new Olympic Stadium in Tokyo? It's the size of a pinhead but still seats 3 million people.

Went to a preview screening of the new Diana film. Bit of a car crash to be honest.

Dennis Nilsen's old flat is up for sale. Still full of lots of original features. A nose, a couple of ears, a penis...

They say always finish on a song. This one's a sneak preview of Miley Cyrus's new interpretation of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5"

Wake up in the evening, cursing and a bitchin’
Wish my talent matched my ambition
Bump and grind, just to feel alive
Jump on the stage and the blood starts pumping
Forget your popping, locking or crumping
Girls like me love to twerk from 9 to 5

Twerking 9 to 5
I used to be on Nickelodeon
Now I shake my thang
When I’m up there on the podium
My poor Pa
It makes his heart all achy breaky
I swear sometimes
He don’t know how to take me

Twerking 9 to 5
No more Hannah Montana
It’s a sex tape next
Where did I put that banana
Twerking 9 to 5
Making lines all nice and blurry
Driving teenage boys
Into a masturbating fury
Twerking – 9 to 5...

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