Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017 Wet Wipe - the year in review

After a 2016 in which we'd mourned many of our favourite celebrities, voted to leave the EU and seen the US elect a semi-sentient Cheeto as President, we were glad to see the back of it.

How did that turn out?


Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th President of the USA, in the biggest success story for gaslighting since Victorian London. He then spent the next few days arguing the inauguration was bigger than it actually was, something he's had decades of practice at.


The Queen became the first UK monarch to celebrate her Sapphire Jubilee, marking 65 years in the job. She would have retired, but she still doesn't have enough national insurance to get a full state pension.


The UK government sends its Article 50 notification to the European Union. It's found three weeks later behind the bins, having been delivered by Yodel. 

A Suffolk man is arrested after having sex with 450 tractors. He misunderstood after being told to get inside it and do some ploughing.


The University Boat Race provides the UK with a fine metaphor for Brexit, as sixteen posh white men take things backwards as fast as possible. 

North Korea launches a missile that fails to get out of the country, making it similar to most Americans.


Buckingham Palace announces that the Duke of Edinburgh is retiring from public life, after passing the racially insensitive comedy baton to Boris Johnson. 

Nigel Farage keeps up his proud record of electoral success by backing Marine Le Pen to beat Emmanuel Macron.


Police investigate a cyber attack at the Houses of Parliament, which turns out to have been someone trying to get at Damian Green's porn stash. 

Jeremy Corbyn sacks some of the Labour front bench for voting against the party leadership. Irony hands in its resignation.


The UK government introduces mandatory registration for drones, despite complaints by Piers Morgan. 

Michael Gove attends the Great Yorkshire Show, figuring if you're going to spend all day talking bullshit you may as well go stand in it.


After being sacked from The White House, Steve Bannon vows to "go medieval". Although he already looks like he's got the bubonic plague, so that's a start. 

Former Trump adviser Michael Flynn admits talks with Russia over "simple things". Presumably his code name for Trump.


The Titanic Hotel opens in Belfast. First visitors were said to be impressed by the massive sink. 

Twenty clowns turned up to a protest about their portrayal in the new movie "IT". All got out of the same car.


Michael Gove claims the UK could export pigs ears to China, starting with every policy he ever made. 

US Vice President Mike Pence says he wants to see boots on the moon. Bit of a trek to pick up a prescription.


A rule change on Viagra allows the pharmacist to give you one over the counter. Although he might need to take a Viagra first. 

Twitter gives its users twice as many characters, immediately halving the number of tweets in every Seth Abrahamson thread.


Plans are set out for drunk tanks to reduce strain on the NHS. Although how having armoured vehicles weaving around the streets late at night is going to help I don't know.

Storm Dylan brings (mumbles), high (garbled) and what sounds like "macaroni furniture" across the UK.


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