New "British Values" curriculum revealed

David Cameron has today announced new lessons in British Values, to be introduced at the start of the next academic year. While details of the lessons have remained a closely guarded secret up to now, we've been able to obtain excerpts from the curriculum. The key areas are as follows:

Tolerance

Pupils should be taught what a tolerant society modern Britain is. Exceptions can be made however for the following groups:

• Immigrants
• People who aren't immigrants, but look like they might be
• Disabled
• Gays
• Poor people - teachers to use their judgement here, as this will vary depending on location e.g. poor in Kingston upon Hull may mean unable to afford food, while in Kingston upon Thames it may mean unable to afford a villa in Tuscany

Fairness

In Britain, we have a society built around a basic principle of fairness.

Note: be careful here not to mention the democratic system, which attaches a value to your vote based entirely on how your neighbours vote and a set of boundaries arbitrarily drawn on a map.

Be particularly careful if asked why one party gets 56 MPs for 1.5 million votes, while another one gets 1 MP for five times as many.

Equality

Every citizen in Britain should be entitled to expect equal rights. Particularly the right of the security services to intercept and read their communications without probable cause, irrespective of who they are.

All communications on this topic are to be sent through the usual private servers, as currently.

Diversity

No, not the dancers whose entire act seems to consist of throwing the frizzy-haired dwarf around to music.

Here in Britain, it is part of our traditions to openly mock and ridicule a wide range of different nations, many of whom for some reason chose not to be part of our glorious Empire built on military conquest and slave labour any more. These include, but are not limited to:

• Australians - for being better than us at sport
• Americans - over-loud, overweight and over here 
• Germans - wars and penalty shoot-outs
• French - see Germans, but without the penalty shoot-outs
• Muslamics - for picking the wrong Abrahamic religion and dressing funny (note: while mocking the Muslamics is acceptable, no caricaturing of their prophet is allowed)

One Nation

Britain is made up of three constituent parts (we're ignoring the Irish here, as they're not technically British and there's a fairly awkward centenary coming up in 2016 we don't want to talk about).

However we have much in common, for example:

• Our money (except the Scots and their strange plastic banknotes)
• Our language (except the Scots, and the Welsh, and the Cornish)
• Our shared participation in economic recovery (except anyone outside the M25)

Note: some of you in "working class" areas may have these facts challenged by your students. Just a reminder that failing to achieve a 95% pass rate on the British Values exam will lead to a visit from Nicky Morgan, and I'm pretty sure none of you want that now, do you?