David Cameron's Easter Sermon

In a change to Easter Sunday tradition, rather than the Pope's message from the Vatican we bring you David Cameron's sermon direct from his holiday home in Lanzarote.

“And I did say, bring unto me your work-shy, your scroungers and your genuinely disabled, that I may tar them all with the same brush and stop their benefits.

Suffer the little children, that St Michael of Gove may send them all to free schools, where they will be taught a curriculum that will be of no use to them, as there are no jobs when they leave.

I did cast the money lenders out of the temple, and tell them to go forth and return with bigger envelopes if they wanted my protection.

For blessed are the donors, that they may set the agenda and dictate the scriptures.

And the saviour was laid in the manger, for his mother was under 25 and therefore not entitled to Housing Benefits.

My father’s house has many rooms, paid for by avoiding the tax collectors. If your house has many rooms, then your benefits shall be cut until you leave.

And thou shalt love thy neighbour, unless you believe them to be an illegal immigrant or benefit thief, in which case thou shalt dob them in.

So blessed are the poor, that we strive to create more of them.

For mine is the kingdom, the power of the Tory. Forever and ever. Amen.

Now fetch the nets, I'll show that bloody jellyfish who's in charge..."