Sunday, March 31, 2013

An Easter Message from Pope Francis

Greetings, earthlings... I mean fellow peoples of the Earth.

Please excuse my inelegant translation into English. I come from a country of Spanish-speaking Catholics, mainly thanks to the Conquistadors. They were a little like those Crusades you English used to go on, except they were smart enough to wait until they had guns before they started trying to enslave an entire continent to their belief system.

In my first Easter message since my promotion to the top job, I want to try and get the Catholic church to reconnect to the youth of the world. Although some might say we've been getting a little too connected to the youth of the world, if you get my meaning! Still, as my predecessor might have said "Zey ver only followink zeir holy orders" - I'm kidding Benny, relax. This isn't Nuremberg.

There have been allegations made against a number of our brethren who were less than discrete, some of whom were kind enough to die before any of it could get all Lionel Messi in a court of law. Let me say right now that the Catholic church abhors the sexualisation of children. If you make them all look pretty, how are we supposed to choose between them?

Like any business, the Catholic church needs new customers in order to survive. Our congregations are dwindling and ageing, and the policy of banning contraception against procreation doesn't seem to be churning out as many new ones as it used to. That's why we need to reach out to the young people.

You know kids, Easter is about more than complaining because your Nan could only afford to get your egg from Poundland this year what with the gas prices going up and everything. It's a time when we remember the sacrifices of Jesus, who came from God to save us all and ended up getting happy-slapped by the Romans in a drive-by nailing.

Yet Jesus rose again, a bit like that Tupac hologram at the Snoop Dogg concert (draft note - do kids still listen to Snoop, isn't it all Little Mix and Beiber these days?) except in a more touchy feely kind of way. He came back, and then he was gone again. A bit like B*witched, but without the double denim.

While we're on the subject of comebacks and history repeating, a quick hello to all of you on Las Malvinas. I haven't forgotten you're there, and I look forward to seeing you all sooner than you think.

So to summarise for you my children, remember the message of Easter. Don't fuck with authority, or they'll hang you out to dry and bury you under a rock. Remember that next time your priest tells you to keep something quiet, capiche.

This is P-Frankie, saying peace out.

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