Scholars working in the Middle East have found what they believe to be a previously unseen final book to The Bible, in which it predicts the state of a country believed to be Britain in 2013.
Extracts of the manuscripts have been translated into English, and I have managed to get hold of a few which are reproduced below. The accuracy in some cases is truly astonishing.
"And it came to pass that the leper was summoned to the wise pharisees of Atos, and they did find him fit for work despite his condition and withdrew his meagre income deaf to his pleas."
"Nick did descend from the mountain, and did bring with him a list of Ten Commitments to share with the people that they may view him favourably in the ballot.
The Commitments were scribed onto a slate with chalk, and on his descent it did rain so some of them may have got a bit smudged and difficult to tell exactly what they were meant to say."
"The Lamb shall lie down with the Lion, as the Lamb knows it has no other prospect of even sniffing the backside of power lest it does so.
Even though the Lion doth continually sodomise the Lamb and mock its core values, the Lamb shall take it and repeat its mantra about how much worse the Lion could be were the Lamb not there to protect the people.
And the Lion shall continue to go forth into the villages and pick off the weak, the sick and the elderly, not giving a shit about what the Lamb thinks."
"Dave did say to the money lenders, come thee in to the temple. Fear not as I will not regulate thee or require thee to behave with scruples. Thou shalt have first pick of the many new poor that I create so that thou might pick the flesh off their bones.
Should anyone attempt to shackle thee, I shall reward them with great riches and honours for turning the other blind eye."
"And Dave did hear about Plebgate and did say to the Sentinels of the Palace, I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy the Mitchell. And you will know my name is Dave when I lay my vengeance upon thy Federation."
Pretty shocking stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.