KILLER STORM SWAMPS BRITAIN

As Britain cowers under the attack of a deadly storm, the Daily Mail can reveal how it has:

• KILLED this weekend's sandcastle contest at Fowey
• WASHED UP some old pallets that fell overboard from a trawler
• SMASHED the record for media hyperbole set by the last storm

While the mainstream political parties bury their heads in all the sand left in our streets by the killer storm from Hell, we have been speaking to the UKIP MEP for Cornwall, Charles Foaming-Gripe. He told us:

"There is no doubt where the blame for these terrible events lies. It cannot be just a coincidence that no sooner do 7 million Bulgarians and Romanians arrive in Britain, than the country begins to sink into the sea. It's simple physics. There are too many of them here growing fat off our benefits system and taking the decent, hard-working, honest, decent, hard-working British people down with them."

One resident of Looe, too afraid to be named in case of reprisals by left-wing immigrant sympathisers told us:

"It's terrible. All the local shops have been closed. People are having to move out of their houses here and back into their London flats. It was never like this before the immigrants. The sea always knew where it belonged. Now everything just seems to think it can come to this country and take whatever it wants.

We've built a wicker man and found a townie to sacrifice in order to appease the Gods, but everything is so wet we can't get a fire started."

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