(Scene: An idyllic summers day. An old, grey man walks slowly through a typical English flower garden, idly pruning as he passes. Songbirds provide the soundtrack. As he approaches the camera he looks up, smiles and begins to speak)
"Hello. My name is John Major. You might remember me from being Prime Minister, and sleeping with Edwina Currie. I know, me neither."
"In this difficult global economic climate, when you get to my age you start to worry about whether your loved ones are going to have enough money to take care of things once you're gone."
"That's where the Westminster 50-Plus Plan comes in. For a small monthly contribution of a percentage of your soul, we can ensure that when you do die your loved ones will have your entire funeral expenses paid for by the state irrespective of the cost involved."
"There are no complicated forms to fill in, no medical examinations to take. You just need to be a former Prime Minister with a successful military campaign behind you."
(Cut to video - images of Churchill's funeral)
"Contact us now for a no-obligation quote, and we'll give you a full military guard of honour just for applying."
"Don't leave it to chance that people will remember that you used to be Prime Minister and bury you accordingly. Take out the Westminster 50-Plus Plan today, and you too can be buried like that bloody woman."
(Man's wife enters from left, bearing a dish full of garden peas as voice over begins...)
Voice over man: "The value of your reputation as Prime Minister can go down as well as up. You may put a lot more into the job than you get back in terms of posthumous recognition."
(Ends)
